[recapturing your virginity] the quest of ages

Pagan revirgination song

[actually, it's nothing of the sort]

How often have you wanted to be a virgin again?

Well, girls [and boys] it's claimed that your virgin biorhythms can be reactivated and you'll be raring to lose it once again:

Q: I'm a divorced woman who wishes to 'reclaim her virginity' (i.e., be sexually abstinent, as younger women in HIV-prevalent settings are being urged to do to protect their health). Do you think that will affect my romantic prospects, and if so, how?

A: If you think reclaiming your virginity is a simple matter of announcing your abstinence and beating back suitors, you are mistaken my friend. Thanks to Google, I came across The Society for the Recapture of Virginity, which, FOR NO MONEY DOWN, assists you in the complex process of revirgination. According to the site, “a group of highly skilled scientists set out on a multi-million dollar research study that eventually led to a breakthrough in the understanding of virginity.”

Next, based on the number crunching done by the VRS 3000, a microchip is custom encoded with a unique algorithm. “This microchip is then attached to a wristband, which you wear at night while you sleep. During the night, the microchip emits harmless radio waves that adjust and correct your virgin biorhythms. While you dream, your virginity will be restored. You will not feel a thing, but you will wake up a virgin!”

Isn't that lovely?

I'm a virgin, you know.

I've never even had a woman in my arms, nibbled behind her ear or leapt up next morning to make the breakfast, while she opens one eye, takes in the phenomenon and pretends to be asleep again. Never before have I ever had to fight over the bedclothes and end up exposed to the elements on a wintry night. Never before have I ever showered with her and for some reason, she takes the centre of the warming jet and leaves me on the outskirts, my back to freeze.

Never mind my psoriasis, gout and halitosis - girls, I'm in pristine condition, unsullied by woman - go for it!

Apparently, the sad aspect of this is that many Muslim women also seem to want to recapture it and they go to great lengths to do that:

Gynecologists say that in the past few years, more Muslim women are seeking certificates of virginity to provide proof to others. That in turn has created a demand among cosmetic surgeons for hymen replacements, which, if done properly, they say, will not be detected and will produce tell-tale vaginal bleeding on the wedding night. The service is widely advertised on the Internet; medical tourism packages are available to countries like Tunisia where it is less expensive.

That sours the humorous aspect of the post somewhat, doesn't it?

[Possibly part of #Silly Week]